this blog has been put on hold for the time being.
6:26 PM
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Saturday, June 14, 2003
i'm at home. yay.
7:19 PM
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Sunday, June 08, 2003
my eyes are green cause i eat a lot of vegetables
i'm burnt out. i'm slacking in school. too much fsa crap that no one gives a damn about. sleeping at 4-5 every morning. only a week left.
friendster = the new xanga
karen yr cool. no one gives you enough credit in fsa.
i changed my name to silly j reyes.
last night i played a song for jenelle at fsa grad. i was so fucking scared. usually i'm not nervous on stage. unless something throws me off, like what happened on my birthday at sac st. i don't know what it was. i guess i'm not really all comfortable here yet at santa cruz or something. or maybe i'm just trippin. but yeah my voice was trembling, hands were hella shaking. i couldn't really think straight. i guess i didn't prepare well enough mentally for the song. i sort've just went up there. whenever i try and play i hella want ppl to feel me, and i don't think anyone really did last night. it would've been kinda hard to with my jerkyness. i felt hella awkward. oh well. i guess i really wanted folks here to see a side of me they haven't seen before. i usually feel so at home and alive on stage. i keep thinking back at shows like "ecstacy" at uc davis and wonder why i can't bring out the same emotion and raw energy i did back then. i think i was trying too hard last night. i couldn't really let myself go.
sleeping at judy's tonight. she rocks. the thai tea queen.
i was kinda sad tonight. something just hella downed me. oh well, whatever.
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There you have it. That's it for the solo.
3:00 PM
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Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Jonathan Reyes
Humanistic Psychology
June 4, 2003
Who I Am…Really…
My head is swirling. It's been carried off in the sky
and where it lands is where is lands.
So I guess that I will get another head and then get on with my life
and leave you somewhere beneath the waves of time.
And I'll wear glass shoes and plastic wrap.
No, I'll just wear my insides.
You want to know who I really am?
Yeah so do I, yeah so do I
- Saves the Day "See You"
Who am I really? Who is the person that exists beneath this portly, brown exterior? I ask myself this question and I come up empty. Is it really possible to describe all of me in a 7-10 page paper? I wish it were easy just to pinpoint and come up with a straightforward answer. But with time, I am constantly changing.
I was having a conversation with my friend Clarice one night over dinner. "Does anyone really know you here?" she asked. "Yeah, I think there's a couple people that do," I replied. Thinking she was satisfied with my answer, I returned to satisfying my physiological needs (stuffing my face full of French fries dipped in ranch dressing). "I don't think anyone really knows me here," she stated solemnly. "The friends I have here know me as I am now, but they have no idea who I was before I came here. I haven't connected with anyone here well enough to know who I am now as well as who I was before." Her comment had me reflecting on my relationships here in Santa Cruz. Do these people, these friends, really know me? Or do they just know the me as of today?
The relationships I have with my friends are extremely important to me. I am a loyal and dedicated person when it comes to my friends. From entertaining them to trying to understand them, I try my hardest to make the people I have friendships with happy. It's ridiculously easy for me to meet new people. I could go up to anyone and just start having a conversation with them. However, it takes awhile for that acquaintance to become a genuine friend. That's why I regard my friendships so highly, because I understand how each one is special to me.
These relationships that I have, strong or not, affect who I am as a person. Even though I am a male, the psychology of women still applies to me. Women search for participation and connection with others. That is how they grow. Their connection with others determines their psychological well being. This applies to me as well. I feed off of other people. If I start to get disconnected from other people, I start sinking in a state of depression. I need to experience connection. Connection is the experience of relating to others so that both the individual and others feel that interaction was beneficial. But often times, the interaction is not beneficial. This leaves me dispirited. For women, this could lead to anxiety, depressive mobilization and complete disconnection from others. For me, this leads to unhappiness and discontentment.
There was a period of time during my tenure here at Santa Cruz where I felt disconnected from the people around me. I felt that I had too many acquaintances and not enough friends. I became extremely homesick and longed for the people I knew I could trust. What happened was that I didn't see or feel anything beneficial when I interacted with those around me. I felt as if I were just going through the motions and the people around me were there for decoration. As soon as those acquaintances started developing into friendships, however, I found myself seeing Santa Cruz as my home. The relationships I had just needed time to grow and develop. Relationships are like plants: after the seed has been planted, it has to be taken care of and nurtured for it to grow and develop into something beautiful.
I would like to say that I am past the point in my life where I attempt to change myself into what I believe others would want me to be in order to feel included in the relationship. But I still do it. I don't do it so much with my peers or my friends. I'm more straightforward with them. However, I do act that way toward my parents. I feel as if I'm still stuck in that awkward teenage stage with them. So in some ways I change myself in order to please them. I would rather take the easier route and avoid confrontation. It's just not being true to myself and to others. This is like Carl Rogers' theory of conditions of worth. My parents conditioned me to act a certain way to elicit a certain response from them. I long for that positive regard from my parents, so I act the way they want me to in front of them, even if it's not how I truly feel. I trust my friends more than I do my parents. I see them as authority figures rather than someone I could empathize with.
I look for people I could empathize with when I’m looking for a significant other. If there has been any type of relationship I have been lacking, it is an intimate one. I have never been in any type of serious, long-term relationship. Sure, I have had plenty of friends over the years. Also a few really good friends who I've developed meaningful friendships with. But I've never had anyone to call my significant other. In Maslow's hierarchy of need states, affiliation is the human need for belonging or love. I receive love from friends and family, but I don't get it from one special person I can be intimate with.
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
-John Mayer, "Love Song For No One"
With that said, I believe who I am is a reflection of the relationships I have with people. The relationship I have with my parents show that I haven't really grown up in a way. My parents are somewhat still in charge of my life the way they were when I was a child. My relationship with my parents has not yet transcended to one where I could call them my friends instead of just my parents. The relationship I have with my friends show that I am caring and loyal. I am committed to the well-being of my friends and will do everything I can to see that they are happy. The lack of an intimate relationship suggests that I am inexperienced. I've always been on the outside looking in when it comes to relationships. I feel somewhat naive and immature when it comes to intimacy.
So in a way, I am the person you see in front of you. When you see me arguing with my parents or reluctantly obeying them, that is truly me. When you see me trying to help out a friend, that is truly me. When you see me not getting the girl (*Sigh*) that is me. Sometimes we try so hard to interpret and analyze a person, that we forget to see the obvious. We never notice what is in front of our face.
At my very best I am just me. But at my very, very best, I am an energetic burst of creativity eager to reach out and touch and inspire all. I feel I am at my very, very best when I am able to inspire someone and leave some sort of positive impact on them. This past January, I volunteered as a counselor for the annual Pilipino Youth Coalition Conference. There, I worked with Filipino high school students from all over Northern California to encourage them to be more aware of their culture and also to promote higher education. Well at least that's what the conference is supposed to be about. Since I had been a participant for two years prior to being a counselor at the conference, I knew that the conference was more of a way to build bonds and make connections. So at the conference I did the best I could to make people feel comfortable and enjoy themselves. On the last day, we had a little reflection period where we talked about the conference and thanked certain people for helping out. When it came time for the thank you's, certain people recognized me especially for being me. I knew it was heartfelt because I could sense the sincerity in their voices. A friend of mine started to burst into tears when talking about me because she was my counselor when I first attended the conference. I felt alive at that moment. I didn't feel alive because I am a whore for attention, but rather the fact that someone appreciated who I was and what I was trying to do. I felt alive from the unconditional positive regard from that moment.
I always look up to those who have the ability to inspire other people. To me, people are real. People are who we should be living for. I am at my best when I am able to tap into another person's heart and soul and inspire them. I write poems and play music in hopes of getting someone to feel what I am feeling. Because of this, I feel alive when I am creative. In high school I had this project where I had to define poetic vision. I defined it as the uncontrollable burst of inspiration and creativity lurking within each one of us just waiting to share itself with the world. Poetic vision can happen anywhere. At the airport, at the supermarket, even in the bathroom. But during this moment, you follow Maslow's rules to being creative. At this moment, you notice a deeper meaning to everything. The littlest thing can amaze you and you gain a greater appreciation for it. At that moment, you let go of control and just let your mind flow and wander. A lot of people experience poetic vision when they do a stream of consciousness on paper. When one experiences poetic vision, they are completely immersed in that moment. All past or future fears and stresses disappear and only the now exists. Having that poetic vision allows you to create beautiful pieces of art to inspire others.
Those people I look up to and try to emulate are those who are able to share their poetic vision with others. Whether by performing their original art or just having complete passion the things in they do, they inspire me to become more like that. They make me feel unique and make me appreciate being human. Their being has the ability to stir up all the positive energy inside of me and share it with the rest of the world. I am at my very best when I am able to do that for someone else. I live to inspire people like those who inspire me as a way of paying it forward and giving back to those who helped shape who I am. By sharing my positive regard with others, whether by inspiring them with words or creativity, I truly feel alive. I feel enlightened.
So how do I bridge the gap between who I really am and who I am at my very best? I think that this a question that many people spend their lives asking but never really figure out. To be completely honest, I would not be disappointed if I never found out how to always reach my full potential. But I would be extremely disappointed with myself if I never tried. I will always continue to strive to be the person I know I can be. That does not mean I will always be that person, but I will always try to be that person. I will always try to be me.
One love.
11:45 PM
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one day it'll all make sense jonathan
3.22.84
sacto/santacruz/sf
