i started work at the library last night. anthony showed me how to do everything. it seems like a really chill job. a little repetative, but chill. i have to pick up and reshelve loose books. i also get to tell people not to eat inside the building.
sometimes i think i'm too nice. so there's this showcase at uc davis that i've been hella hyped about for the past month. i was hella excited to have my own set and do something on my own. i called a few weeks ago to make sure i got a spot. i was also supposed to collabo with my best friend lori and her brother leejay. we worked on a few songs together this summer and she wanted to do her thing at the showcase too. so i get a call from aramel (the guy in charge of the event) and he just wants to confirm if i'm doing the collab with lori and leejay. i ask him about my slot. he says he thought i was just doing the thing with lori and leejay and goes on to say how there's not enough time for me to have my own thing. he then asks me to check with lori to make sure everything's cool. so i call lori up and she says how she's hella excited and i don't have the heart to tell her how i don't have a spot anymore. i don't wanna make her feel bad or anything. and if i did, she'd prolly say "oh we can make time for one song." but the truth is, i don't want just one song. this is something i've been wanting to do for a while now, and i had everything planned out and shit. i wanted to do my whole set. sure i wouldn't be singing my own songs, but i'd be singing songs that were so personal that they were almost mine. it went a little something like this.
"in my life"-onelinedrawing beatles cover
"another love poem"-this poem i posted on here a while back
"el scorcho"-weezer
"redemption song"-bob marley
*sigh* i just don't wanna be greedy and put myself in front of others, but man. i guess you guys probably don't think it's that big of a deal, but this was something that i've HELLA been looking forward to for a while now. it was a big deal to me. don't get me wrong, it'll be fun rocking the stage with leejay and lori, but i really wanted my own spot. i'm just gonna be playing the piano, and that's sort've boring for me. and it's not leejay and lori's fault, they didn't do anything wrong. they're hella more talented than me and deserve the spotlight. but i still can't help feeling let down. meh, i can't do anything else about it, so whatever.
7:02 PM
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Saturday, February 22, 2003
so i went to the hip hop daze event tonight. i saw justin bua last night. hella fsa kids there. whatever.
2:06 AM
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Sunday, February 16, 2003
back in sacto...
i had hella fun tonight. i hung out in downtown with dru and stevie. we went to old sacto for the mardi gras festivities, then went to willies, and then coffee at the true love. it's little things like these with my friends that i miss. but i know that if i did this every weekend, i wouldn't miss it as much.
i was chillin with my older cousins today and they were just talking about stuff. like what happened to so and so, or what happened at that one time. and i want things to be like that with me and my friends. i want that group of friends i can shoot the shit with and always kick it with. and i have that here in sacto. we were doing the same thing tonight. catching up and reminicing. i love that shit. in santa cruz, i'm always that social butterfly kid. hangout with different ppl, never with the same ppl twice. either that or i sit in my apartment alone waiting for someone to call me to do something. bad times.
i was just looking at my previous post about fsa and people power, and it sounds hella harsh. i was just hella irked at the time (read: emo) i don't really mean it, well maybe i do about the fsa kids, but the people power cats are good people. they are hella nice and welcoming and people power is pretty much a family. i think the problem is, that i haven't really developed HELLA tight relationships with folks in people yet. there's some moments when i'm hella glad to be part of people power, like cowell college night. i felt included and inside the circle. but then i wanna be friends with those cats outside of people power. like you know how you have those friends inside the classroom, the ones you always sit next to and clown with but never hang out with outside of class. well that's what people power is to me. i just wanna do shit with those cats other than act.
i love sacto.
12:14 AM
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Friday, February 14, 2003
Jon,
Congratulations! We would like to extend the invitation for the role of the deceased husband in Family one for this coming PCC. The new script will have more dialogue for this role. We thank your for your unending energy, you deserve this role. Please let us know ASAP if you would like to accept/decline this offer.
Respectfully yours,
Lez and Len
1:55 AM
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Thursday, February 13, 2003
i don't even know why i'm still a part of fsa. at first it was like, "okay, just give it time and you'll be able to break in" but it's halfway through the school year and i still don't feel welcome. everyone's too involved in their own shit to outreach. yeah i'm probably bitching, but i really don't feel like i belong in this organization. the times when i feel i actually belong in fsa is when i'm in someone's car and they're dropping me off from people power practice. then it's just hella chill. its fun times and everyone is happy. like tonight when ruby drove me home, and it was ruby, jeanelle, calvin, auriel, eden and me. it was good times. but then that only lasted for a couple minutes.
holden caulfield would call those fsa cats a bunch of phonies. because a lot of times it seems that's what they are. it's things like this that make me wanna leave santa cruz.
glenda got me all hyped up when she was describing the filipino community here in santa cruz. she was describing it as a close knit family that looks out for each other. am i the illegitimate son that none of them wants to associate with? ferreal though. i'm tired of trying to have to be friends with everyone. a guy brought up a good point in people power today. he was talking about he kept on spreading the love to others, but he never felt it back. that's sort've how i feel about fsa. ferreal though. i try so hard to get to know folks, that's why i go to study hours almost everyday, but it's like i'm getting nowhere with any of them. they're just people that know my name and say hi to me when they see me. that's cool and all....well actually no thats not cool. and the friends and connections that i think i've made, don't even seem real, like one min it's real, but the next it's on the superficial tip. wassup with that? am i only yr friend when it's convenient for you?
i think that if i weren't getting 2 credits for people power, i would consider dropping it.
where's the phone number for phi alpha pi...or whatever the hell it's called....
12:46 AM
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Monday, February 10, 2003
OrAnGe6rL: [Monday:12:32:28] khoivyn: john was funny
[Monday:12:32:39] khoivyn: tina asked me about him and was freaked out
[Monday:12:33:06] khoivyn: a little funny if you saw how she reacted
OrAnGe6rL: kevin
stankpalmer: hahahahahahaha
stankpalmer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
stankpalmer: excellent!
OrAnGe6rL: haha
stankpalmer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OrAnGe6rL: you freaked her out!
stankpalmer: yess
OrAnGe6rL signed off at 12:56:35 AM.
12:58 AM
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Sunday, February 09, 2003
maybe, i expect too much
that's why i'm always disappointed
and sitting by myself
because i like the company of no one else
maybe, i push others away
cause i'm scared that they'll hurt me
like so many others have done before
i'm tired of thinking about the last time
that i had a good time
maybe, they're just too busy
that i'm nothing but a distant memory
my voice is silence
so is my guitar
cause i'm just on mute.
i keep on writing shit i don't even like....
but then again i don't think anyone likes their own shit...
i'm tired of no one leaving messages when i'm on away.
i'm tired of no one visiting me.
i'm tired of sitting on my ass.
i'm tired.
it's strange that we have all these different ways of communication, but most of the time i'm communicating with myself.
1:57 AM
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Friday, February 07, 2003
it's been one of those dashboard nights....hahaha....
well at least one of those nights when i wish i had dc in my cd player while walking home.
12:33 AM
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Tuesday, February 04, 2003
bathroom talk
"to act on a dream is an act of revolution"
it’s strange the things you see with richard in your hand
while you yellowface the opaque, porcelain waterfall
watering down your watered down
BRISK ice tea down a moldy maze of pipes
to the sewer in the depths of nowhere
since when did urinals become canvases of expression
when did urinals become a bed for dreamers and a platform for revolutionaries?
i guess the urinals got pissed off from being pissed on
and left a message to all who lay waste in their faces
because they wanted to inspire
since when did urinals become poets?
"to act on a dream is an act of revolution"
but don’t we all dream to be revolting revolutionaries
rising up and rebelling against those who
keep keeping us down and keep keeping us
from making these dreams, our dreams
a reality?
but when we dream, our eyes our closed
i guess then…
we should learn to dream with our eyes open
because we wouldn’t want to be dreaming blindly
vulnerable to those unkindly enemy entities
who take the dots from our I’s and the crosses from our t’s
leaving us incomplete
who burn our thoughts and dreams like corporations burn trees
who take away all notion that we are truly free
that is why we need to be revolutionaries
we need to unbind our minds like our mothers unbound their feet
and defeat the society that calls us weak
and tells us to step down from our platform and take a seat
because they just don’t want to hear it
when they see us, they don’t see human beings
they see excrement
they see us as the piss of all peoples
they see the shit of society
they see lazy, stupid, blind dreamers
we are to lazy to act
to stupid to be conscious
and too blind to see what we’re rebelling against
that is why we are just merely dreaming instead of being
"unzip your mind as often as you unzip your fly"
10:43 PM
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from my friend:
i respect your opinion about fraternities, but its something that is changing me for the better, and i can't really explain to you. you would have to experience it first hand. its a complete turnaround from where i'm from and where i am used to. and i will heed your warning, and not forget my friends. i guess i can see why you think it may be cliquish, but what isn't nowadays? the connection between each brother is much stronger than friendship and held together with so much more. the cultishness is a not really, you can still maintain your identity and indivuduality, which is helpful to empower the group, and in fact important to it. but the other stuff you mentioned is important, and i respect the fact that you have communicated it to me in some form that was most comfortable. the thing is..friends before brothers.
kairos 56g1 maybe....
9:44 AM
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Monday, February 03, 2003
is there something wrong with finding something annoying with everyone you know?
i was hanging out with this girl i was sort've interested in tonight and found out that "wow, this girl is really not for me." korin always tells me shit about her human sex class and she was telling me how we project our thoughts of how the person should be onto them before really get to meet them. and that's what i found out about that girl. i guess i always get wrapped up in looks, or similarites that we share, that i don't actually see the person. similarities are killer. like if i listen to the same music as her, it's like "yeah this girl is rad". but i never really get deeper.
what do i want?
haha i guess i can say what i don't want. i'm sick of all these self-absorbed girls. ya knoe there's more people in the world other than yourself. these girls are the most beautiful girls that you have ever met, but they're just too good for you. i really like the fun dorky ones. the one you could hella goof around with one minute and have a intimate conversation the next. the weird thing is, the girls i know like that are too old for me. hahaha. maybe i have this thing for older girls...
"makes me whole"- amel larrieux
i really love this joint right now. amel's voice just transcends above the soulful piano instrumental. this was the last track on my aphrosidiactic mix. i guess i'm gonna give this to folks on v-day. but i made the whole thing with someone in mind.
darling i want you to listen
stayed up all night, so i can get this thing right
and i don't think there's anything missing,
cause a person like you made it easy to do...
pretty much. i spent my night making this whole cd. but it was fun, cause it was like "would she like this track?"
1. in love with you - erykah badu and stephen marley
2. love and happiness - al green
3. cupid - 112
4. fortunate - maxwell
5. love - musiq soulchild
6. lately - tyreese
7. rain - swv
8. kissin you - total
9. so into you - tamia
10.knocks me off my feet - donell jones
11.spend my life with you - eric benet and tamia
11.faded pictures - case and joe
13.pillow - tony toni tone
14.nothing even matters - lauryn hill and d'angelo
15.untitled - d'angelo
16.makes me whole - amel larrieux
that sorta took me back. a few of those songs are old-school for me. haha. back to jr high and shit.
i feel kinda bad cause i constantly fall asleep in my politics class. i want to stay awake so i can pay attention and learn, but i just cant do it. i took the class so i could become more concious and aware, but i can't do it when i'm unconcious and asleep. i think i'll try and remedy it by buying pepsi before class.
i've been carrying a sharpie around everywhere recently. i've been hitting up bathrooms, bus stops, the goods on 711's kitchen shelf (i hit jasmine's cans of soup). i think i need more practice.
a friend of mine is pledging for a fraternity at his college. we're the same age, but i've always felt like i should look after him. i know he can make his own decisions and shit, but i'm not too sure if this such a good idea. he says it's service oriented and "non-traditional" which is obviously good. it's also an ethnic frat and he's learning hella more about his culture, something he hasn't had much exposure to. it's just the whole idea of a fraternity doesn't appeal to me. it's like the extreme version of a clique and sometime seems somewhat cultish. but it's also not my decision, which is why i haven't really gave my thoughts about it till now (i know he reads this shit). he says he's learning more about his culture and he seems to be empowered, and if that's the case, then more power to him. i just hope he doesn't get in over his head on things, like forgetting about his old friends, or being put in an unfriendly position. but i think it's rad that he's finding his "family" where he's at. i think that's most important, finding out where you belong. but the thing is with fraternities, is that your choice of friends is somewhat impaired. your common interest with them is that you were made "brothers" instead of something else. we'll see what happens.
speaking of families, i'm still trying to find my fsa family. i mean i pretty much have my fam outside of fsa cool (711, mbeezies, pretzel folk, stevenson cats) but everything in fsa is still on that superficial level. i think just by hanging around them more i'll be able to develop more intimate relationships with them. tonight i went on another flouring spree. we poured flour on skyy's girlfriend, lori, just like we did to ann when it was her birthday last week. i go to pcc study hours just to hang out with people. just so i can get to know them more. i think that when pcc rolls around and i'll be pretty much around them all the time i'll be okay. last night it was leslie's birthday, and she had a big birthday party. i thought it was gonna be an intimate thing, and i wasn't formally invited so i didn't go. i didn't wanna be one of those assholes that just shows up to parties. well aparently it was a huge party that got broken up by the cops. i guess i'm kinda irked that i didn't go to kick it with folks, but it's cool. i just never really hang out with them outside of people power or fsa, so it would've been fun.
my fish blubber is swimming around again. i think he was depressed cause his jar was pretty much empty. i didn't have anything inside it besides water. but i put a film canister and a penny inside last week, and now he's always swimming. only at night though, he usually sleeps in the daytime. he's a night fish, sorta like me. i should go out and buy him some real toys. next time i go into town.
i spent awhile working on this post. i have an 8am class tommorow.
1:52 AM
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Saturday, February 01, 2003
it's funny cause i get irritated when none of my friends update their blogs. but then again i don't always update either. LOL.
getting ditched by friends is not fun. last night i was with anthony, nuanh and korin downtown, and i went into this store to check for movie times so we could watch that new jason lee flick. when i came out, they weren't there. they left me. so i said "fuck this" and rode the bus home by myself. it kinda hurt.
deezy, yr super cool.
i watched the kings-laker game last night with eric and tom. it's fun to watch it with real kings fans. too bad they freakin lost. oh well. bibby almost got hurt again. webb was out.
wassup with lebron james?
11:42 AM
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one day it'll all make sense jonathan
3.22.84
sacto/santacruz/sf
