Tuesday, January 28, 2003

so i ditched the monologue i was gonna use for people power, and just used a piece that i wrote a couple weeks ago.

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"another love poem?"

i think i like you
i think i like you so much, that it's probably unheatlhy because i think too much
i think i like cause i like to think and i hope you like to think to like me too
but i'll never know because my soul is hidden within this pathetic piece of poetry
while you unknowingly run after those guys
who don't like you as half as much as i do
who don't give a shit that you're more than beautiful
who don't see anything but your tits, ass, and pussy,
cause they don't see you like i do
your intelligence inspires elequence to excite your intellect
excellently because you are evidence of divine beauty
your skin sings softly, sweetly
your smile speaks somethings, not nothings, to my soul
and i am suffering the silence without your soulful presence
because you are the essence of exquisiteness
i wanna create moments we could reminice about
produce the feelings love songs are sung about
i wanna stop searching for that real love and say i found you
or you found me
it doesn't make a difference as long as we're forever together right?
but do we share these same dreams?
do we share these dreams of possibilities possibly predicting a post present reality
can we be connected subconciously while constantly concealing concious feelings
contradictory to what we make others see and believe or am i still dreaming?
or am i just letting my mind wander about the wonder that is you
hella girls try so hard just to look like you
but no amount of their makeup can make up for the flavor they lack and you possess that possesses me
shit....YOUR OWN REFLECTION IS JEALOUS OF YOU
but just admiring your beauty isn't enough for me
i wanna dig deeper
i wanna get in you
i wanna get past the external to experience everything that makes you beautiful
because that's what you are
and your thoughts are the heavens and your dreams are the stars
and your third eye proceeds to see past me and my scars
to a world where yours and mine come together to form ours
because we would share something that would make others go
"AWWWW....HOW CUTE!....YOU TWO WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!"
but we wouldn't be cute!
me and you together would be real
you see, we weren't made for each other,
we justmade ourselves for ourselves and we would just happen to like how the other one turned out.
and we wouldn't be cute!
we would share something so beautiful
it would be insulting to call it otherwise
and we wouldn't be cute!
we wouldn't be cute like romeo and juliet
cause we wouldn't die for love, we would live for it
see, i like thinking about these things cause they make me happy
and i hope that somewhere deep down you like thinking about it too
i hope you feel like do
cause i think i like you

1/03

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so the people power monologue would go a little something like this...

*paces back and forth with cell phone in hand*
jon: okay jon, you can do it. just tell her how you feel.
*take deep breath*
jon: be straight up and honest. shit...what am i gonna say?... okay start with..."i think i like you"...
*recite "another love poem?"*
jon: okay that's it! now i just gotta call her up...
*dials number and holds phone to ear*
jon: hey wassup....i got something important to tell you....i really like you...your...math section....yeah....is there anyway i can transfer into it?....oh okay....well that's it....see ya....
*hangs up phone*
jon: SHIT!

yeah....no need to ask who the inspiration for that piece was. it'll be interesting to see how i would perform it. i think it would be cool if the girl was sitting in the audience and i actually called her phone...hahaha. man, i'd probably get a bad result anyway...


2:02 AM
------ Monday, January 27, 2003

yesterday i went outside
with my momma's mason jar
caught a lovely butterfly

when i woke up today
looked in on my fairy pet
she had withered all away
no more sighing in her breast

i'm sorry for what i did
i did what my body told me to
i didn't mean to do you harm
everytime i pin down what i think i want it slips away
the goal slips away

smell you on my hand for days
i can't wash away your scent
if i'm a dog then you're a bitch
i guess you're as real as me
maybe i can live with that
maybe i need fantasy
life of chasing butterfly

i'm sorry for what i did
i did what my body told me to
i didn't mean to do you harm
everytime i pin down what i think i want it slips away
the goal slips away

i told you i would return
when the robin makes his nest
but i ain't never coming back

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry

"butterfly"-weezer

5:28 PM
------ Sunday, January 26, 2003

went to a party tonight, whatever....

afterward i went to 711 to check up on nhuanh and korin. nhuanh went to go visit anthony at merrill so i just kicked it with korin for awhile. we had one of those good long best friend conversations that we haven't had in awhile. it's good though, cause we know where the other one is at. she's one of my closest friends here, and we haven't really talked (just us two) since we got back from break. so it was good times.

3:51 AM
------ Tuesday, January 21, 2003

january is supposed to be cold, wet, and grey. i love sacramento.

the fam and i visited the cemetery the other day to visit lolo romeo's grave. he passed away saturday morning of the pyc retreat. he's my lola's brother, so technically he's my great-uncle, but we all call him lolo anyway. it made me really sad going there, as well it should have. i was thinking about how one day people would forget about this grave and people would stop visiting it. i was thinking about how the guys burying the casket were just doing their job and probably checking their watches every 5 minutes to see when they could go on their break. i was thinking about how the people digging the hole were digging just another hole. his wife, lola nena, had something interesting to say during our little prayer around his grave, "you led us here to america, and now you're going to lead us into heaven." my family is very spiritual. he was a remarkable man though. he touched the lives of so many people. i want to be able to do that too. sometimes i wonder how many people would be at my funeral. i wanna be the type of cat that people can be able to speak good of even before he dies, ya knoe? i just wanna touch people and make their lives better somehow.

12:46 AM
------ Thursday, January 16, 2003

wow...the pyc retreat was incredible. i met so many rad people (counselors and participants) and i felt so empowered and inspired afterward. it was a feeling i haven't had since the first pyc retreat. this was my first retreat as a counselor, and it totally had a big effect on me. especially when my homegirl glenda stepped up on the mic for me. her kind words made me all teary eyed and shtuff...and to think, i didn't think she liked me when i first met her. i know some of you pyc heads read this, so thank you. this retreat was filled with so much energy and love that words cannot describe.

tonight...wow...

3:47 AM
------ Monday, January 13, 2003

monologue...

*enter bathroom* love. my parents love me. i think my fish blubber loves me. i've been loved and have loved but i've never romantically fallen in love. is it kinda like falling into the gap? because i'm not about to dish out 50 bucks for some love khakis. i'm a poor college student on a tight budget. *pisses* but maybe i'm lucky. love seems more like a burden than a blessing. well at least that's what it sounds like. i always hear kids complaining about how her boyfriend is a dick and his girlfriend is a bitch, ya'll make love sound just as pleasant as rectal itch. but i guess i wouldn't know, because i haven't found love yet. "but wait jon, you should let love find you". is love kinda like hide and go seek now? well if it is, i must have a damn good hiding spot. oh wait, i remember. love is blind. no wonder it can't find me. sometimes i think my life is like a neverending chick-flick, er excuse me, romantic "comedies", the two main characters meet each other, they hate each other, they start to like each other (but don't say anything), and reveal their feelings and kiss right before the closing credits, in romantic fashion, like over looking the empire state building or something like that. *flushes* well that's how it is for me. except i've never reached the falling in love part, but at least i have twice the amount of corny jokes. maybe i should use some corny pick up lines. like "hey baby, you make me feel like a lightbulb because you open me". *washes hands and face* i can never seem to find the right girl. they're always too bleh. or if they're more than bleh, i'm too bleh for them. i think this one is going to be different though. there's just this vibe i get from her. even though i just met her the other day, its like we're connected somehow. *dries hands* she's amazing...she's beautiful... *pause*she has one of those smiles that make me smile when i think about her smile because her smile is one of those smiles that inspires the stars to rereoute and spell out her name. man.... okay jon, relax *deep breath*, she's out there sitting at the table waiting for me. you just gotta walk out there and be yourself. *looks down at pants* aww shit... *desparately tries to wipe pants*

END

7:51 PM
------ Thursday, January 09, 2003

to you:

yeah i dunno if you read this blog or not, but a big FUCK YOU to you....



1:18 AM
------ Wednesday, January 08, 2003

yesss...i have another week to work on my monologue. i really need to get my act together. a month off of school has really turned me from working hard to hardly working. ever since i got back to santa cruz, i've been feeling the need to be constantly around people. i don't know why. i find myself hanging around people i don't actually like, but doing so just for their company.

i had dinner at oaks college the other night with some filipino folks. i had a really good time. nhuanh made a good point tonight when she said she noticed that filipinos were really family/community oriented. i think that's what i've been missing here in santa cruz. back in sacramento i've always been stuck in two worlds. the world at school, and the world at home. i was really close with my extended family and my filipino friends. i don't really have that balance here in santa cruz. maybe that's why i've been feeling sorta bleh here. there's something about being with a whole bunch of filipinos that is comforting and welcoming to me. i'm not saying that my friends of other cultures aren't, i just need that balance in my life.

sometimes i wish people would just say what is on their mind. but then i know people wish the same of me.

12:54 AM
------ Monday, January 06, 2003

my monologue so far:

love. my parents love me. i think my fish blubber loves me. i've been loved and have loved but i've never romantically fallen in love. is it kinda like falling into the gap? because i'm not about to dish out 50 bucks for a sweater vest of love. i'm a poor college student on a tight budget. but maybe i'm lucky. love seems more like a burden than a blessing. well at least that's what it sounds like. i always hear kids complaining about how her boyfriend is a dick and his girlfriend is a bitch, ya'll make love sound just as pleasant as rectal itch. but i guess i wouldn't know, because i haven't found love yet. "but wait jon, you should let love find you". is love kinda like hide and go seek now? well if it is, i must have a damn good hiding spot. oh wait, i remember. love is blind. no wonder it can't find me. sometimes i think my life is like a neverending chick-flick. in chick flicks, the two main characters meet each other, they hate each other, they start to like each other (but don't say anything), and reveal their feelings and kiss right before the closing credits, in romantic fashion, like over looking the empire state building or something like that. well that's how it is for me. except i've never reached the falling in love part, but at least i have twice the amount of corny jokes.

7:13 PM
------ Sunday, January 05, 2003

a mixture of emotions is running through my cold, tired body right now.

yes.

thanks monica, you probably don't know this, but your warmth and kindness shines light on anyone and everyone's day. i was pretty down when i knocked on your door, but just being in your company brightened my spirits. (that's why you be my homie G!)

my ears are cold.

3:17 AM
------ Wednesday, January 01, 2003


whether it's the best of times, or the worst of times
it's the only times you have

1:03 AM
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