Tuesday, October 29, 2002

i think the jazz midterm went well.

the trip back home to sacramento was good for me. i got in touch with all of my friends back home, which helped me a lot. thanks jake and jesska for the kind comments. i like train rides. even though they're really long, they're somewhat relaxing.

today was anthony's birthday. me him and erik went into town today. erik and i bought him a blow-up doll, affectionately named rose. we took pictures galore with her. anthony opened it up on the bus ride home, and blew it up. the bus driver saw it and pulled the bus over and made him put it away. it was pretty damn funny.

me and robyn might go to san francisco this weekend to see saves the day...we just have to find a ride.


Oh great
here I go again I'm stuck in this rut
and I'm not sure how to begin- should I tell you everything?
I'm feeling out of luck so I won't see you soon
'cause I know it's too soon for you to see me-
if this is the last thing you do just tell me that it's o.k. for me to have these feelings for you
and that it's normal to want to call you.
Oh I'm dialing the phone and I'm letting it ring for hours and I'm pretending to hear your voice-
Why does my heart always beat before yours does?
After a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything,
so I'm making myself believe in you.

1:30 AM
------ Tuesday, October 22, 2002

jazz midterm on friday. i like the class, i just don't like the tests.

people call me a social butterfly. and i guess throughout my life that's always been the case. i've always been the kind to know hella people, but never really had a place to call my own. and it's weird, because people just know me as "that guy". i guess the reason i'm like this, is because i'm really afraid of being alone. so i have many different friends to compensate for those close friends that i lack sometimes. the story is still the same here at ucsc. i'm always just floating around campus. sometimes i think i find my niche, but then it seems like i'm not supposed to be there at all. sometimes i feel like i annoy people and they just get sick of me. i know they probably don't really get sick of me, but it's really just a result of my own fears and insecurities. t's sorta like brodie's analogy about his relationship in mallrats. he said that his whole relationship was like spooning, except he never found the right place to stick his arm. so throughout the whole relationship, he was always looking for the right place to put his arm so he would be comfortable. i guess i haven't found the right place to stick my arm.

i dunno why some things bother me sometime. i know kids are just playing and messing around, but sometimes they say stuff that kinda hurts me. oh well.

11:24 PM
------ Sunday, October 20, 2002

"Where Is My Mind?"-The Pixies

Ooooooh - stop

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind (3x)

Way out in the water
See it swimmin'

I was swimmin' in the Carribean
Animals were hiding behind the rock
Except the little fish
But they told me, he swears
Tryin' to talk to me to me to me

Where is my mind

Way out in the water
See it swimmin' ?

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

Ooooh
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Ooooh
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Ooooh
Ooooh


6:09 PM
------ Saturday, October 19, 2002

i don't feel so good anymore.

1:43 AM
------ Monday, October 14, 2002

i feel good.

8:05 PM
------ Sunday, October 13, 2002

I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor
Love is all, all my soul
You're my Playground Love

Yet my hands are shaking
I feel my body remains, themes no matter, I'm on fire
On the playground, love.

You're the piece of gold the flushes all my soul.
Extra time, on the ground.
You're my Playground Love.

Anytime, anyway,
You're my Playground Love

"playground love"-air


12:47 PM
------

i love the way she looks at me.
she has those kind of eyes t
hat relax every muscle in your body
and make you just wanna hold her.
i wish i could hold her.
she's beautiful.
some kind of wonderful.
i don't want to kiss her.
i don't want to make love to her.
i just want her in my arms.
i want to brush the hair away that keeps me from losing myself in her eyes
i want to just put my head on her and just let go.
i want to wake up in the morning
and see her lying next to me
thinking about everything
and all i can be
because she's with me
i love the way she touches me
i love the way she looks at me

so there's this girl that i really want to get to know better. i just wanna spend time with her. i wanna see what she likes/dislikes. i want to know how she drinks her coffee. i just wanna be with her. i wanna sit in a room and listen to music with her. but unfortunately, i just can't do that. there's always something in the way. she's busy. i'm busy. we can never meet up together. i can't say that i like her. but i can say i really want to know her. you know what i'm saying? maybe it's the fact that recently i've been feeling a little lonely. i feel that need, that want, of someone right there. someone who likes me. someone who likes being with me. some of you are prolly reading this and are saying to yourself, "damn jon, you're a fuckin pussy..." but oh well. that's how i'm feeling right now. but yeah...that girl man...

4:18 AM
------ Wednesday, October 09, 2002

i guess college brings out the way people really are...

life is pretty damn funny sometimes. so there was this girl that i was bummed over for awhile now. but now that i've thought about it, and sort've seen how she is now, i'm really glad she didn't wanna go for me. i don't wanna say she's changed, cause everyone changes, but i guess she found herself, and it's not really what i'm all about. i thought we were similar, equals even, but i guess i thought wrong. and i'm somewhat glad now, that i know what she's really about, and i don't really have to deal with it. people tend to act differently when there's nothing holding them back. or maybe it's that college is a brand new start for a lot of people, that they take on a new persona. am i any different than i was a month ago? probably not. i have hella people to add to my non-existant list of of people i know. i haven't changed too much. i think my friends back home can feel me on that. i'm not acting any different. i lounge at my next door neighbor's place just like i did with lori and leejay's place. (wassup leejay) ionno...

you could feel me seething
but you just turned your nose up in the air
you only think about yourself
you only think about yourself

i wish you were here

3:38 AM
------ Monday, October 07, 2002

tonight i went to my first filipino function here at santa cruz. i think i've found what i'm looking for. the filipino community reminded me a lot of what was back home. i didn't really feel like doing my essay so i practically dragged nhuanh to go with me to the FSA FALL RECEPTION at porter college. fsa stands for filipino student association, but it might as well stood for "fine succulant ass". there were a lot of cute girls there. and as nhuanh told me, a lot of cute guys. (i didn't really notice them, of course, i wasn't looking) but anyway i sorta felt out of place when we got there because a lot of the people knew each other and everyone was mingling while me and nhuanh just sat there and talked about this one girl's heelys. so anyway, the show started and they had skits and dances and stuff. it was a jolly old time. but it really made me miss my friends back home. i was watching their performance and kept on thinking about pyc and faylc and my filipino FAMILY back home. all those folks were my family and we used to put on events like that. i think tonight was the first time that it hit me that i wasn't really a part of that anymore. after tonight though, i could really see myself getting involved in the filipino community here. super.

1:26 AM
------ Sunday, October 06, 2002

i really wanna blog about something that's been on my mind all this evening. but it's one of those things where i wanna be careful about what i say, because i really don't know who's reading this.

3:32 AM
------ Friday, October 04, 2002

last night i went to this open mic at oaks college. DAMN! hella talent here in santa cruz. wow. i was totally blown away. folks played guitar, emceed, spit poetry. this one girl even sang some ella fitzgerald. i guess i felt a little inferior to everyone else on stage. i went up and played onelinedrawing's "better than this". i couldn't even hear myself, i know i was hella off-key. usually i don't have a problem playing in front of people. but last night, i was scared to death. i guess it's the fact that i was playing in front of a whole group of strangers. i sorta felt a bit out of place. i can barely remember what happened on stage, like i blacked it out or something. it's all good though. some folks came up to me afterward and said i did a good job. they were, however, onelinedrawing fans..lol.

a lot of people tell me how they go to college and get discouraged because they find people who are smarter than them. for me, i'm discouraged because i found people who are a shitload more talented than me. i'm intimidated to play guitar in my own apartment because my roomate is one KICKASS banjo player. i guess it's sort of a reality check for me. but wow....some of the people that read last night... they do what i dream about doing. they inspire.


3:39 PM
------ Thursday, October 03, 2002

i got into my first lightsaber fight today. it was over at stevenson with this girl named lisa. fun times.

we watched american history x last night in our evening core. even though i've seen that movie a few times, that movie is still really powerful. there's tons of different interpretations one could get from the ending. i'm not really gonna talk about it. you can watch it and formulate your own opinion.

i don't really feel like blogging. i guess i'm just bored.

"hate is baggage. life's too short to be pissed off all the time."

4:28 PM
------